Shivers all over my body not because of the cold. I guess it’s because of what just transpired this morning. I just had a feeling of wanting to stop this whole mess that I am going through. I need to write this to let this out of my system. I need to move on. Fast. Faster than the speed of light but that would be impossible because I wouldn’t be writing this if I did. I need to LET IT GO.
The wind is howling like the swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in; Heaven knows I tried
I guess that is what is going on inside me right now but what can I do. Life must go on. The earth will continue to revolve around the sun whether I am happy or not. So I need to put a smile on my face even if it’s the hardest thing to do right now. There are people who depend on other’s smile and that I have to give them that. I am used to pain anyway. Well, not that I do cling on pain but I use them as a force to push me farther in life. I’d rather give than receive. I’d rather hurt than to hurt. I never demand people of something. I want them to just give me whatever they can give me. That’s the kind of love I could give and that’s the kind of person that I am. That is why I choose the people I give to very carefully, but sometimes I just want to give it even when they keep on getting too much from me.
That’s life and that is the price of the maturity I am trying to achieve. I just turned 22 but I feel like I am 40. I never had a boyfriend but I have a few candidates which I allowed to see me but it seems they are never up to it. Now, I think I found someone who could take it all in, the burden of being with me and who I could allow to share their baggage with but he’s afraid.
It’s really hard to accept because after the considerations I made specially for him was all wasted. I don’t know. It’s early to conclude but I guess we just had the right kind of like[i really don’t know how to put to words the feelings we have] but in a wrong situation and wrong time. This was the first actually that I gave a man a chance and crossed so many of my principles. Like he could have been the exception to the rule. Not that he’d hurt me like how dramas encapsulate pain on the telly but it’s more of a higher kind of pain. I can’t talk ill about him because he’s been good to me. So to whoever reading this, you don’t have the right to judge him because you don’t know him and because I myself, refuse to judge him.
What can I do. That’s life. I am too young to fight for such. I have big dreams. Bigger than Life. At least tomorrow, I can be fiercer, bolder and more tactful of the things that I’ll be entering to in the future. Focus on the things that will make me a better person. I won’t let this stop me from being the bestest version of myself.
Water wants to break free from my eyes but I won’t let them. I’ll just let them lose through sweat. I’d be a happier and cheerful person. I’d be giving. I’d be always grateful of the things that life is giving me. May it be good or bad. It’s all thanks for the optimism that I am applying everyday of my life that I am able to say these things.
There is just one bad thing that is happening. I am putting another wall. A big wall to protect my heart from this kind of hurt. Although I won’t resort to being a man hater or a lesbian or…. or…. I don’t know. I won’t swear to not change because that is the most ridiculous thing to say, E.V.E.R. but what I vow is that I’ll never have to turn into a negative person. I’ll push myself to greater heights. I’ll love myself more. I’ll smile more. I’ll give more. I’ll be better. I swear to every graveyard of all the great people in history. Don’t forget my ancestors. My lineage. (I feel like I just need to include them here)
I may be closing some doors now but it doesn’t mean no one can knock on it. I just need some time and space for myself to repair what was lost, to be able to give more. Experiences are blessings. I would always force myself to smile no matter how hard. It’s the first step in healing anyway.
Toast to a better version of me. Toast for all the things coming my way. A harder toast for the hard and painful things that came and will be coming my way. I swear I’ll knock you down before you see my me knocked out.
Now I’ve lifted the weight off my chest. Phew. That was nice.
Ciao! ‘Till the next random post.