21 years and counting, I think I might have bought a thousand locks to keep my heart sealed. Not that I can’t feel anything but just to keep it from being taken away from me. I read one of my notes on my facebook account and I never knew that I declared that I was in love, it feels like I wanted to edit the whole note but I won’t. I am not supposed to ridicule the note because it is still I who made it. I am not sure if I was really in love because various articles, blog posts and notes about love tells me that you are willing to give everything up and sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice in which, I can’t do at that moment. Or even now.
Girls are always simple-minded and I hate being a girl. Not that I wanted to be a guy but I just don’t want all these feelings, emotions and drama. I get worked out about simple things just to remind my heart to stay away. I even thought about the Placebo Effect.
Placebo Effect. Happens not just with drugs but with feelings too.
because people are telling me that I am in love etc, etc, etc. I may not believe them at the moment they told me about it but it will eventually get to you. And this is kind of dangerous, really that is why I need to put on another thousand locks. I need to be vigilant. There are things more worth protecting than just the title of having no-boyfriend-since-birth. I need to protect my heart more importantly. I like playing with words but not the word love. I said that once, when I thought it was real but I regretted it immediately because that person never really deserves any feelings from me, he’s a great kisser though. I’d give him that but he’s a douche. There is no future in him, no passion, just a happy go lucky kind of guy. I let go of ‘Mr. Perfect’ because he is way too good for me and I am way too dominant. I want to be taken cared of like a baby that is why I wanted someone who is more matured than I am. Someone who could stick to my mood swings and my quirkiness and my weirdness. Well, I actually like someone who could actually join me in my weird moments.
I am drawn to funny and intelligent guys maybe because I love laughing and talking and talking about different stuffs, random stuffs and weird stuffs. I actually like talking in English a lot. So I really want a guy who could understand everything that I say and I hate explaining terms and expressions and phrases and basically everything.
I actually like a guy right now but I am still being cautious. Of course, I need to because I don’t know him well and I don’t know much of his past and he is way too much of a sweet talker. He says the right things and that is why I hate being a girl because I am being sweet talked about everything. I feel that it is not only I that is being cautious because we are alike a lot. I don’t know why he is being cautious but perhaps he has something he wanted to protect.
Well, there are actually times where I really like him and times that I really don’t. Yes, I am an over-thinker but I can actually blame it to my zodiac. Ha! Take that. Capricorns are basically over thinkers and never enter something that is not sure. This is the first time that I ever blogged about my feelings without crying and it feels light. I actually kissed this guy on the first i-don’t-know-what-to-call meeting. I want to blame the alcohol but I am only a little tipsy but not drunk. I think it was because I like him thanks to his glasses. He stood out. And basically because I think he came out of the checklist. I actually asked him to stop because I will be flying in a month and we both agreed to just go with the flow and no promises of the future. No definitions just continue what we are doing. We’ll I’d still kiss him though but no more than that.
And these past few days I thought I was falling but it’s great that I figured that I don’t because of the placebo effect. Lol. I’d blame it all to the placebo effect as much as I can just to keep the locks locked. I am only 21 and there is a lot more men out there for me eventually when everything in me is already stable but I doubt that thanks to my dear scumbag brain.
So ’till the next random post. The next random rambling.